I know I have written a post about my second daughter, but tonight I was prompted to write about our third little girl...the one Daddy calls "Doodle Bug".
When people would introduce her with her given name when she was about two, she would (not so politely, and kind of with a frown) promptly blurt out:
"My Daddy calls me Doodle-Bug!" and sometimes even cross her arms.
Finally we got past that stage, but she still bears the name and wears it proudly. It always makes her smile when Daddy uses it, anyway.
Looking at the pictures I have in my computer tonight, while trying to find a certain photo I was needing, I looked at all the pictures of her in the folder under her name. I was reminded again of how little I remember of much of her infancy. I didn't even record it on "film" (as it were). When I found out that I was pregnant with our little guy Jack, Caroline was only six months old. I was breastfeeding Caroline and something wasn't going right all of a sudden. I began to evaluate what had changed and figured she was just getting to the point where she was ready for regular food. I started feeling "off", though, and just knew something wasn't right. I don't remember if I took a home test first or went to the doctor first...I think the home test was first. Anyway, we were ecstatic and I was also slowly letting the shock of having babies 14 months apart sink in.
I don't know if I was really that sick or just totally self-absorbed, or what it was, but basically I "lost" a lot of memories of Caroline during my pregnancy with Jack. I went back into the photo archives to find pictures during that time and I didn't have any!! I'm still dealing with that guilt. Someday she will surely see the gap. I lost some hard drive files that next summer, but not during these months in question. The answer to the puzzling question was simple:
I was a bad mom.
Obviously I know I wasn't really a "bad mom", but that is what we think of ourselves if we don't keep up on this stuff right? Or am I the only one? I used to always say (knowing we wanted lots of kids) that I'd have TONS of pictures of ALL of my kids, not just the oldest and then jip the younger ones out of the shared limelight. Nope. Not happenin'. I spent over $200 on pictures every 4 months of our first child - when we had NO money. The second would NOT have her picture taken by picture people, so I only have really early ones and really recent ones. When Caroline was born I had her pictures taken right away -- sooner than I had with the others. Then the next were when she was about 14 months old (right before Jack was born). When do you think the next ones were? Try when she needed pictures for her preschool yearbook at age THREE! See? Bad mom. Oh, and it gets better. Jack had his first ones taken at three months and never since. Again...bad mom.
Now I feel the need to redeem myself a little here and say that I have a BAZILLION pics of all of the kids that I have taken myself or that others have taken of them. I just don't happen to have PROFESSIONAL pictures of them on a regular basis. I regret that I let that slide.
But the purpose of this post, and what I regret most, is that in a way I let one child overshadow another. I let Jack and his newness overshadow Caroline - not only in physical but photographical (is that a term?). I got too wrapped up in the baby and neglected the OTHER baby...apparently. Again, I'm not too sure.
Maybe one day photos will surface during that time that I can have and keep, and hopefully they will spark wonderful memories - memories that are obscure to me now. I hope so. That little girl is my soul and spirit. I know...I KNOW we had a great time together!
No comments:
Post a Comment