I Didn't Expect This.

I woke her up this morning, my little first grader Caroline. I briefly mentioned yesterday afternoon that something bad happened at a school across the nation, so my kids wouldn't be broadsided with it if someone brought it up. I told them that a bad man with a gun broke into a school and many children and adults died. But that wasn't on her mind as I woke her. Every Monday, or the first day back after a break, my sweet Caroline has such a hard time getting back to school. She wants to be at home, with me. We have eliminated any negative instigator or reason for this, such as bullies, trouble learning, illness, etc. Usually she is distraught & sad, and I am often frustrated. I usually say things like, "Caroline, you need to go to school and you need to learn, things I can't teach you here." She pleads, "Pleeeese homeschool me, Mommy!" And I reply, "No, honey. You need to be at school." There are mornings when I am so frustrated rushing around and hurrying after her pleadings that we are both almost in tears. I have had to put her in the car crying and give a half a dozen hugs or more before she will get out of the car. This morning when I woke her she rolled over, looked up at me, and her face reminded me of an infant or a toddler that looks like they're about to cry, when their cheeks are puffy and their mouth is turned down before they can even start to whimper. "Mommy, I don't want to go to school. Please let me stay home." I said what I always say, gently, "Caroline, you need to go to school. You are not staying home." Then something hit me. Did any of those children's mothers on Friday say to their children, "No, you may not stay home today. You need to go to school."? Did any of those moms get frustrated with their child for not getting up and getting ready on time? Did any of those moms have to put their children in the car and say, "You are going to school today, now buckle up.", with their little ones crying and begging not to have to go? I pray they didn't. Eventually, Caroline got up and got dressed, got her stuff together,  and we went to school. She was fine. She was calm and happy, on time, and ready to go in and learn. I got a big hug and kiss, then she hopped out of the car. For the first time, however, I paused a moment and my heart sank having to let her (and her sister) out of the car. I hugged her extra tight and told them I love them and they were safe and taken care of. After they got out of the car and I drove away, I cried. I prayed a silent prayer from my heart and drove on.

I was not expecting this. I wasn't expecting ME  to have this reaction. I thought of the kids and how they would deal with it...how I'd prepare them and what I would say, but I forgot to think about how "I" would handle it. I didn't expect it to be like this. I know every Monday is this way (although it has gotten much better) and any normal person knows that tragedy only makes things more intense. My third grader, just as precious, just as dear, doesn't have the trepidation of school that her sister has, but she deals with the fear of death. Gripping fear. I expected THAT. I still expect her to come to me about it, although she hasn't yet. I pray for her today, as I'm sure her friends will bring it up and discuss details they have heard. I pray her little mind is protected and she is not fearful. I pray for my oldest...that her high school is safe and secure and that she will be well taken care of and come home safe & sound. And for my preschooler...that I will see that ornery, smiley face promptly at 11:30.

My oldest goes to a high school that has an on-duty police officer on site already. This morning, there was a police officer on the street across from the elementary school, and at my son's preschool the front office door to the rest of the school was closed (there is a passcode needed to get in). So these are a few of the things our schools are doing to protect our kids, and for that I am grateful. I feel confident dropping them off and as I drove away and prayed for their protection, I was at peace. They'll be okay. Not because they have officers close by, not because they have good intruder drills regularly, and not because they have excellent teachers who love them like their own...which all is true. They will be okay because God has gone before this day and has it all in His hands. Whether mercy or tragedy, joy or pain, He is with me...He is with my kids...He is there, whether they have allowed or invited Him or not. He is watching, caring, loving, and leading. All is well. They're okay. I'm okay.

When the bell rings and my kiddos come home, I will hug them all tight and snuggle them close, taking in every scent, every smile, every story, and every glance, never taking for granted that each day God entrusts them to my care is a gift. While we do not live in fear (2 Tim 1:7) we know that tomorrow is not promised. Live well, love well, know & have a relationship with the Savior, and be good to each other.

Today my mother-in-law shared with me something she heard from one of the Focus on the Family psychologists regarding talking with children about the Connecticut murders. They suggested writing down the fears that the kids (and us adults) have about this situation, and then placing them into the box and praying for the lives lost, the families left behind, and all of us feeling the grief and sadness along with them. By placing them into the box, we give it all to God and pray for healing and comfort. I think it's a great idea. What are some of the ways you have dealt or will deal with this tragedy, or talk to your kids or family members about it?